Creationism

This is what I imagine to be the one true creationist story. Please do not be alarmed by historical inaccuracies. Enjoy!

The old bearded man sat in a leather office chair, you know, the spinny ones on wheels, at an oak desk, with a white laptop open and whirring gently upon it. Across from him sat his three oldest acquaintances; Time, Nature and Death. The old man looked at them over his glasses, and smiled with amusement as they whispered with each other.

“It’s not needed, it never has been before, and never will be.”

“It is, you fool, can’t you see he’s bored? We’re all bored!”

“I don’t know, there could be other ways of entertaining people, couldn’t there?”

The man cleared his throat for their attention, before eyeing the gold plaque on his desk. There was a small smudge on it. He frowned, reached for it and rubbed it with his sleeve until the word ‘God’ gleamed as bright as it had on its first day in existence.

“So, gentlelords, I see you all know why I’ve called you here today?” He raised his white eyebrows, his aged forehead creasing as he observed them. Time’s equally aged face reflected his concern at his creator’s idea. Nature’s youthful, chiselled face was enthusiastic, clearly excited with the Plan. Death’s face was sour, as usual, and he shook his head under his black hood, not happy in the slightest.

He smiled again at their divided opinions, before turning attention back to his laptop. He clicked his mouse a few times, and typed with lightning speed on his keyboard. When he was done, he turned the machine around to face the three Lords, and said; “It’s finally installed! Sim Life 1.1! A tech guy at Heavenly Games and Entertainment gave me the first copy. The angels don’t see this for a good few decades!” He grinned with such joy that even Time and Death could not help but become slightly intrigued.

Nature stood from his chair to get a closer look at the laptop, almost bouncing from delight. He took the mouse and started scrolling, his grin becoming wider and wider as he inspected the various features HGE had weaved into the software. God let him indulge himself, but warned Nature that only he was allowed to start the real game. He then turned to Time and Death, and asked them; “Do you really not have faith in my idea?”

Death became stony again, but Time voiced his concern; “I just think, what about imperfections? This is the first edition, there are bound to be flaws, right?”

God nodded; “Yes, this is not based on heaven, however I’m sure that nothing too drastic will happen.”

Time was not entirely convinced, but bowed to God’s will and kept his doubts to himself. Death, however, was not so ready to back down; “This is destined for disaster, God. I have never trusted those meddling fools at HGE, and I do not need more souls to harvest.”

“I have indeed catered for this too, Death. You shall have your ranks increased to deal with the added workload.”

Death had no reply to this, as he knew God would not hear it, so he grumbled to himself, still dissatisfied.

“Nature, are you quite done? I want to play now.” There was a slight impatience in God’s voice, and Nature jumped from the laptop into his seat; “Sorry, God. It looks brilliant, by the way!”

God smiled, and nodded; “Yes, I knew HGE would not let me down. Now, all of you back to your duties.” They all rose and departed through the door of God’s large office, leaving him to Sim Life 1.1. However, the topic of this discussion was not entirely as private as God would have wished.

…

Hours later, God had created the perfect world; beautiful creatures, stunning landscapes, magnificent elements of all life imaginable. The software was quick, no glitches, and he had taken careful time to iron out any flaws that could possibly arise. He stood from his chair and stretched, grinning with pleasure at his work. Then his stomach rumbled.

I think I deserve a nice snack now, he thought to himself, and made his way to the Heaven Mall.

…

Lucifer was a mischievous angel, and once he learned of God’s new game, he became jealous. Why should he get Sim Life 1.1 when we have to wait for ages? The jealousy turned to anger, the anger then turned to malice; I know just what to do!

Lucifer waited for God to leave for Shooting Starbucks, and crept into God’s office. It wasn’t even locked! Ha, the dangers of staring at a computer for too long.

Sim Life 1.1 was still on the screen, and he observed God’s creation. This looks beautiful, he thought. Then he grinned nastily; it would be a shame if something were to happen to it! He thought for a second, then, without saving the game, he closed the window.

Then he heard footsteps, and joyful humming. He froze, and waited.

As soon as God entered his office and saw Lucifer, he feared the worse, and as he shoved him away from the laptop, he saw what Lucifer had done. He roared in fury.

“LUCIFER YOU ARSE! YOU STUPID LITTLE ARSE! THIS IS YOUR END, YOU FOUL SWINE. TODAY, YOU SHALL RELINQUISH YOUR GRACE. NO MORE WILL YOU ENJOY THE BENEFITS OF HEAVEN. DOWN TO HELL YOU GO, BOY!”

Lucifer bowed his head, but as he was banished from Heaven his face was a picture of rage and jealousy. God looked back at his laptop and realized; he would have to start again. Banishing Lucifer did not quell his rage, and he again began to create a world, this time with many flaws and imperfections, taking out his fury on Sim Life 1.1. His mightiest creation, humans, were amongst the most flawed, and as he finished, he saved the file and clicked ‘UPLOAD’.

“So be it, I shall name you Earth, and those who act as Lucifer has acted shall be sent to dwell with Lucifer.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the real story.